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Confident

BeFunky Collage.jpg

This was written for Writing 101

I’m not a coffee person, but hot cocoa and a bowl of popcorn? Yes, please!

Anyway, I think today’s prompt is horribly accurate, because I need desperately to update all of my readers, considering how long it’s been since I last posted.

So, time for a hot cocoa date, one-on-one with your presently present (haha) blogger.

First of all, let me officially apologize for not posting in so damn long. I haven’t really been up to writing as much as usual since State One Act; I think losing upset me more than I expected it to. (Notice that in the above pictures, I wear my One Act shirt. I am that person. Sorry not sorry.) Of course, I can’t really make excuses, but I’m a teenager so I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want to.

Second, some updates…

1.) I’ve started drawing more than I have recently, perhaps because I haven’t been overly interested in writing.

BeFunky Collage2

2.) I started a Little Mermaid fanfiction (more or less), but just like everything else I’ve done, I doubt I’ll finish it. I really like it, though. It’s a modern AU (Alternate Universe, for you not-geeks).

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I designed the cover myself. It’s not GREAT, but as of yet it’s the best I’ve done with stuff like that.

(If you can’t already tell, I’m in an Ariel mood. I’m not sure why…)

3.) School has been rough lately. I’m drowning in AP US History, and for once in my life, Lit is harsh. Mostly because I neglected (*coughcough* all of) my work during One Act season.

4.) The musical my school is putting on is going to be the Addams Family; I really wanted it to be Les Mis and I’m a teensy bit really disappointed.

5.) Show Choir has already started running through Christmas carols and my friend and I may possibly be doing a duet (Little Drummer Boy), but the harmonies we want to use are extremely difficult and I just wanna blech. Also, we’re performing at SixFlags (over GA) on December 6, so if you happen to be at SixFlags on Sunday, December 6, go over to the stage by Dare Devil Dive at 6 & 7 pm. We’re going to kick ass.

6.) Harry Potter coloring book. I need it in my life. I just need a whole bunch of adult coloring books, honestly.

7.) I lost my bright yellow colored pencil today. *cries*

Well, that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing since my last post. That and practicing my eyeliner.

Eyeliner=the bane of my existence.

(P.S:

9.) I may have been drawing on my white(ish) Converse. The picture is outdated, but I don’t have shots of the current doodles yet.

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Sorry not sorry.)

At the End of the Day

This was written for Writing 101

I have a big issue with permanence. For one, it coincides with my intense fear of being forgotten. I mean, I don’t want every little one of my mistakes immortalized for the rest of humanity to judge, but I’m terrified that nothing I ever do is going to matter in the grand scheme of things. I like permanence. I like the idea of having a thought crystallized (well, not crystallized, per se, but I’m trying to use imagery) on my body until I die. I don’t necessarily want to go through the crap involved with selecting and getting a tattoo, but I like the idea.

Of course, I’m also one of those people who retypes the same sentence twelve times and (yes, it’s true) deletes 90% of my tweets/texts/posts/stories, but perhaps I’m just not comfortable with the face I show everyone being a face I didn’t paint myself.

Undercover Martyn

One Act had state competition yesterday morning, and before I complain incessantly about us LOSING MISERABLY, let me just say that I’ve actually had a pretty good weekend. I got close to a lot of my cast mates that I didn’t know all that well before, and I actually reconnected with one of my best friends.

We left school at about 1:20 on Friday to drive over to [insert town name that I’m not going to tell you], and drove right to our hotel to drop our stuff off. The bus ride was ridiculously fun; we played Screw Marry Kill and Never Have I Ever.

Monica (our director/sponsor) had picked the rooms kind of randomly and originally I was worried about my room because one of the girls in the room hated my guts for drama between the two of us and her boyfriend over the summer (long story), but we ended up having a pretty good time. More on that later.

After we dropped all our crap off, we went to Little Tokyo, a hibachi grill in [insert town name that I’m not going to tell you] that was really cool. I got edamame, steak, and fried rice and pretty much died of deliciousness. Dinner was fun; we took a bunch of goofy panoramas and just generally messed around. I ended up taking a to-go box back to the hotel and ate the rest of my dinner at 9:45-ish.

When we got back to the hotel, we had a little while to relax in our rooms then we all gathered in the pool room and Dorian gave us a pep talk then we went over some notes/changed some scenes. They released us to go hang out upstairs and Luke (he played Mark Twain) and his mom, Shannon, brought around goodie bags for each room. She also gave me Trolli Sour Trees, which was funny because I’m the Tree of Knowledge in our play. The entire cast met in Luke’s room for thirty minutes to read something Shannon put together (“How You Know You’re a Drama Kid”), then dispersed amongst different rooms. The room I was in played Never Have I Ever again, as well as got Treavor (a savagely gay kid in ninth grade) to put makeup on.

You know, typical drama student shit.

We had to be in our rooms around 10:30 or so and I talked on the phone with Garrett and joked around with my roommates. There actually wasn’t that much tension between Courtney and I, which was an enormous relief considering all of the crap that happened. We fell asleep about 11:40.

Saturday morning, everyone ran downstairs to gorge on breakfast, then hurried to throw on some makeup and do something with our hair before rushing over to the school where the performance was to be held and getting dressed. Surprisingly, everyone managed to more or less hold back tears as we discussed our favorite parts of One Act this year and as we warmed up for the last time before 11, when we performed.

We performed. Most people cried. I thought I was going to puke. Etc.

There were still six plays after us (eight in total), so we had to wait until 7:30 to get results. Lunch was Little Caesar’s Pizza, and during all of the plays we lounged together in the audience and basically enjoyed being together. We were nervous, but the fact that we were all so tight-knit made everything a little bit better.

Awards scared the hell out of everybody. Luke won best actor again [insert broad smile], but we ended up getting fifth place- which didn’t even get mentioned AT ALL. We lost to three musicals and a comedy, all of which we felt weren’t THAT great. Especially our directors.

Maybe it was silly (as Mom keeps telling me it was), but we all cried very, very hard. We were so sure we would get second, if not first, and it hurt to be told that we were worse than plays that didn’t evoke real emotion. It sucked. A lot. And because this was BY FAR not my finest performance, I cried harder than most other people, because I felt as though I could have done something more to ensure we didn’t fail so horribly.

Dinner was Chile’s, and I was sniffly the whole time. Besides the fact that we’d completely bombed ten minutes before, it was still fun. Everyone was close in their collective failure.

[Insert gagging noise]

We drove home directly after, and I sat next to Noah, who has been one of my best friends since seventh grade. I actually fell asleep on him a couple times, but it was freezing on the bus and a few people around us were super loud so that didn’t really last. I called Garrett again, and he did his best to cheer me up.

We got back to the Fine Arts Center at 1:30, and I fell asleep around 2 last night/this morning.

So, yes, I had fun this weekend, but it was also hell so I don’t know whether to count it as a positive or negative couple of days.

[Insert shrug]

Light Me Up

This was written for Writing 101

I’m not very good at expressing my emotions. For one, I’m just not capable of comprehending them. I am every stereotype of an overly emotional teenage girl. On top of that, I’m not big on the whole “sharing” thing. If I tell someone something, I’m going to OVERshare, and this is one of my least favorite things about myself.

Hence my chosen word for today’s writing prompt: regret.

I’ve had about a million problems with my relationships with other people, be they friends or family or romantic entanglements. As a girl who relies heavily on having people I can trust with every little thing, this sucks a big one.

It’s actually ironic, really. I put on this show of being untouchable, being this hard creature with no emotional needs, when in actuality I need so much. I think this surprises people, because when we get close I just dump a whole shitload on them and they get overwhelmed.

So I’ve just stopped getting close to people.

Which also sucks a big one.

Seriously, I can’t express how much it hurts to need someone to just be with, then push everybody away because I don’t think they want that with me. It’s messed up my relationship with my boyfriend a few times, which is frustrating. I always regret pushing him away (it’s one of those things that keeps me up at night), but I can’t help myself. It’s almost as though I care so damned much, I have to stop myself caring or I’m going to shatter.

Maybe that doesn’t make sense. Maybe it doesn’t follow the prompt. Oh well. I needed to say it.

Chandelier

This was written for Writing 101

I’m going to expand upon the prompt and write two lists, simply because I enjoy talking about myself. If you have a problem with that… well. Sucks for you, friend.

Things I Like:

  • boiled peanuts
  • vanilla perfume
  • tight hugs
  • empty notebooks
  • white bedsheets
  • British accents
  • bowties
  • autumn
  • fuzzy blankets
  • leather-bound books
  • British television

Things I Dislike:

  • hot-as-hell summers
  • tomatoes
  • being sick
  • idiots
  • scary movies
  • people who don’t like Harry Potter
  • people who don’t like reading
  • people who don’t like sushi
  • people

Like I’m Gonna Lose You

This was written for Writing 101

Why do I write?

God, there couldn’t have been a more complex question to ask on such a frazzled day. I write because… well, I’m a writer. It’s who I am, and it’s what I do. Since the days when I made up stories to go with the pictures in my Pooh Bear books to today, when I (attempt to) write my own books, I’ve always been in love with words. I write because it’s that only thing I know how to do. The only thing I’m good at, most days. I can’t communicate with people through speech, but I can tell them everything I need to say through my blog, my journal, and every single creative writing piece I’ve written since I learned the alphabet.

I write because I need to.

This is one of those ridiculously broad questions that are so mentally demanding that I just flounder around and make “ifhaerhfsdkjvfe”ing noises as well as elaborate hand gestures to avoid actually answering what was asked. Why do teachers not set up couples in every group of students they have? Why do babies drink breast milk instead of chocolate syrup? Why do I not already have a trillion and one dollars?

These are all important questions, but they’re not being answered. So why should I explain my freaky obsession with *elaborate hand gesture* this?

Can’t Help Falling In Love

I believe in love. Perhaps not love at first sight, perhaps not soul mates, but I believe that it is possible to fall deeply in love with another person, no matter how long you’ve known said person. I also believe that there are varying degrees of love: I love Garrett as a partner. I love Caitlin as a little sister. I love Grace as a best friend, practically a sister. I love Carver by default, because he is Garrett’s twin and no matter how annoying he can be, his emotions and actions affect my relationship- even if he doesn’t mean for them to.

It’s this that has been causing a lot of pain recently. I hate to throw Carver under the bus, but he and his girlfriend have been having issues and while I try to be compassionate, it’s frustrating to see Garrett so upset and so angry over something neither of us can control. I’m good friends with Sophie now, and I care for Carver as if he were my own brother (and he is just as obnoxious as mine), but their problems are affecting what little time I have with my boyfriend and it’s ANNOYING. When Garrett gets so pissed off that he breaks a pencil and cuts his hand, I can’t continue to stand back and let this carry on as it has.

Relationships are all or nothing for me, and this has caused me a lot of pain in the past. However, I don’t foresee this happening in the near future with Garrett, so I’m going to continue to worry about him and get angry when someone upsets him. Even if that someone is his brother and one of my good friends.

Sorry for ranting about people you probably don’t care about. Enjoy the video as retribution 🙂

Hello

OUR ONE ACT PLAY ONE FIRST PLACE AT REGION!!!

Today was our competition: we performed at eight in the morning, on home stage, and at 3:30 were called up to receive our FIRST PLACE TROPHY. On top of that… I WAS THE RECIPIENT OF BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS!

Today has been fantastic.

We beat out four other schools, including our huge One Act nemesis (who will go unnamed less someone from that school chooses to harass me for kicking their asses). I’ve bawled my eyes out on two different occasions and almost puked right before we went on, but when you weigh that against the amazing oneness I felt with the rest of the cast when Logan got onto Allstars, I won BSA, Luke got Best Actor, and we WON…

New memory to add to the list of favorites: when the timekeeper called our nemesis for second place and we all gripped each other’s hands tighter and burst into tears because we knew, we knew, that we’d won first place.

We have a tradition of going to Applebees after our last musical performance in the spring, and whenever possible we also go after winning region, if we compete on home stage. It’s an absolute BLAST. We were all surfing on the high of our win and everyone felt so connected, and so incredibly overjoyed. Garrett and his twin, Carver, showed up and I got to spend one of the best nights of my life with my boyfriend. 🙂

AGH I still can’t process how amazing today was…

Alive

Wake up, get ready, go to school, do work, do work, do work, eat lunch, do work, do work, go to One Act practice, workworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkwork, go home, do homework, take a shower, go to bed, repeat.

Oh, how I long for One Act to be over so I can relax and actually get some schoolwork done… God, you know you’re stressed when HOMEWORK seems like a reprieve.

Honestly, I just want a solid twelve hours of sleep. Twelve CONSECUTIVE hours of sleep.

Who’s with me?

Settle Down

My parents, younger siblings and I went apple picking today, something we haven’t done in a while. Certainly not in three years; we haven’t gone and picked apples since we moved.

I’m typically a fairly predictable person: I don’t want to go outside, I don’t want to associate with anybody, I just want to stay in my bedroom and read/write/be generally antisocial. I enjoy my life as a hermit, thank you very much.

Apple picking, though, brings out a different Carissa. There are quite a few things that make me react as drastically as the pristine perfection of a nice, gritty apple plucked from a bowing tree, but few have the same nostalgic affect (effect? I don’t know…); I have more than a handful of bubbly, happy memories of reaching ever higher for that absolutely gorgeous red apple, biting into the crisp white flesh of an unwashed fruit, surrounded by towering trees that dwarf my small frame……

I must admit, though, that this time was a slight disappointment to those memories.

That’s not to say that the apples weren’t delicious, that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy myself. I did. However, the apple farm (is that what they’re called?) has become industrialized, marketed, whatever you want to call it, since the last time we visited. They rely on dumb tourists now, who want to watch pig races and milk cows and taste-test cider and ride ziplines and maybe pick a couple apples for the hell of it.

We went to pick apples because it’s fun to feel self-sufficient, to wash and polish those imperfect perfections rather than buying some waxed mess from the supermarket. I mean, it’s not as though we aren’t going to actually USE the apples; my mom plans on making apple cider, apple crisps, apple fritters, apple pies, apple juice… But this particular apple place (B.J. Reece Orchards, in Elijay) had only one tiny little portion of their orchard open, and the apples there were either too small to bother with, too high to pick, or splattered on the ground. Luckily, we managed to get a peck of half-decent apples, but the rest we just bought pre-packaged in their apple house.

Downsides to this trip: we drove a few hours to pick apples for about thirty minutes, they did not even have Granny Smith apples (at ALL!), and it was warm for October. And my siblings were extremely obnoxious in the car, which caused a headache and a bruise on my ribs.

Upsides to this trip: there were multiple, but most importantly: APPLE DONUTS. On top of that, we bought delicious apples, cold apple cider, raw peanuts (we make our own boiled peanuts now- yum!), an enormous cabbage, a trip into memory lane, and the realization that not every good experience ought to remain untainted by reality, because sometimes disappointment is liberating.

If the good is not quite as wonderful as we remember, is not everything better than it feels?